Type: T.V. Show
Title: Saved By The Bell
Starring: Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Dustin Diamond, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, Mario Lopez

Let's talk about Saved By The Bell. More like, Saved By This Show! My life was in turmoil before I discovered this jewel of TV greatness. As a young boy of 10 when Saved By The Bell first aired, I was already heavily into drinking absinthe, snorting crack into my eyeball, having sex with every mammal that came my way, and injecting heroine into my scrotum. That's when, in a drug dazed stupor I turned on my TV and saw 6 wonderful brightly clad vivacious angels cavorting and making merriment.

There was beautiful Kelly, a Siren from the Odyssey come to smother me with watery love. Tall Amazonian Jesse, a fierce warrior of female pride, rallied by her war cry of "Pig!" It was Jessie who taught me to respect women and not make them swallow cocaine for my amusement. Gentle Screech, bastard son of Gilligan and Loki, he routinely ruined the plans of his best friend Zach, and yet Zach the absolute saint/messiah forgave him time and time again when a normal person would have murdered him. Lovely Lisa of Turtle, she taught me that a rich fashionable sophisticated black woman is welcome in an all white high school. And lastly, AC Slater. You taught me it's OK to be gay. Thank you.

- J

I think most of us can say we've watched an episode or 10,000 of Saved By The Bell. With sexy Kelly and her super high-rise jeans, dreamy Zach and his scam artist personality. Macho man A.C. Slater who would pound anyone in the face or the ass. Jesse want-to-be-slater, and Lisa who would always turn down the Screech.....Screech. What the fuck man. This is where I snap out of nostalgia and come to terms with that fact that this show sucked and sucked hard. So here, I list the top 10 reasons why Saved By The Bell never should have made it past the pilot episode (Fun Fact: On the pilot episode the show was actually called Black girl is friend with white girl who date blonde super happy boy who like musclemuscle man time show. The character of Screech was later added in for an American audience and the title shortened to Saved By The Bell)

Top 10 reasons Saved By The Bell sucked.

1) The show did not take itself seriously enough and had the misfortune of teaching the entire 90s generation it was still ok to dress like it was 1985. America is still combating the ripple effects of this mistake today.

2) The show took itself too seriously and skimped on the necessary details to copy the best ways to scam classmates, best ways to not get caught by balding principals, best ways to avoid detention once caught by balding principals, and the best ways to sneak out of detention and prank balding principals. Yet somehow it always managed to get the moral of the story across. Don't smoke, Don't lie, Don't do drugs, Don't befriend nerds, etc.

3) Lisa turtle and Kelly wannabe-Morris BFF? Please. Bayside was obviously the most segregated school in the world. Reality Check.

4) They had a fucking band. I thought shows where the main characters had a band ended with the 70s. Zach Attack had more pussies in it then Josie and the Pussycats.

5) Mario Lopez

6) If you replaced kelly and lisa with twins you'd have Full House.

Bonus) If you replaced kelly and lisa with twins and screech with with Bob Saget you'd have my teenage wet dream. Why? because....

...7!) Saved by the bell brought out my latent homosexual desires that led to countless sleepless nights. Leading to social dysfunctions, a fear of greasy curly haired jocks, and the loss of my childhood innocence.

8) Reality Check number two. No one would be friends with Screech. I mean, I like to think I'm pretty accepting of people and who they really are but fuck. The second screech twists his geek face in his awkward geek smile I think I'd throw a javeline through his nostril. I know this is typical sitcom stuff, but I always thought about it while watching the show and it never ever let up. I don't think I've ever enjoyed an episode and it's all because of screech and his badluck hardon for Lisa.

9) It wasn't The College Years.

10 ) I still need to think of one.

All in all I can say that this was complete and utter crap. Married With Children had a more positive impact on 80's and 90's America then SBTB. Oh but the movies! Don't get me started on the movies! <3<3<3! Has anyone ever watched Good Morning, Miss Bliss? It's the prequel. Anyway, Saved By The Bell can suck my balls and rot in TV Land hell. The only good that came out of my wasted time was learning that theme song.

- A