Type: Album
Band: Metallica
Title: Death Magnetic
Members: James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich, Kirk Hammett, Robert Trujillo

Nothing. Then, the Universe. Then, Metallica. Then when all hope seemed lost that mankind would ever feel joy amongst the vapid and the mundane and the plebeian noise we are forced to endure century after century...Death Magnetic is BLOWN into the Universe by four demigods and their magic weapons of metal. This album is a sorcorer's wet dream. It is so metal. It is so brutal. It is so ass-blowingly awesome I can't believe I merely listened to it, and it wasn't shotgunned through my face with a cannon. This album makes me afraid. Afraid for all the other millions of musicians out there who will undoubtedly kill themselves as soon as this melodious masterpiece reaches their perverse human ears. God I pray for the death of all that is good and decent and loves the world in which we already live, and refuses to acknowledge the life above where Death Magnetic angels rock all night and party every day. Amen.

- J

For all you Metal fans, Metallica just realeased ANOTHER album. Yes. I know, poor us. But you're wrong. Sure St. Anger was a step toward mainstream crap but they've been crap since Reload and in the end, a normal brown crap is the same as a green crap my friends. No, Death Magnetic is a step towards awesomeness! (really. Like srsly. fo rizzle) Unfortunately it falls short and if MXC has taught me anything it's that when you fall short of something, you always land in what appears to be sewage waste. This completes my circle of crap for those of you who are paying attention. The sad fact is that Metallica just doesn't have it anymore, and that "it" is alcohol. I remember the days when they used to rock and rock hard. Drunken, high, probably licking lead paint of poisonous frogs in a vat of Everclear. That's 190 proof folks. I'm sure a paternity test would trace me back to one of them, or all of them. Those were the days of Ride The Lightning and Master of Puppets. Those were the days when they were so edgy and funky fresh that if you didn't like them you were crucified. By Murmaiders. Those were the days when they were of relevance. Now don't get me wrong. I love Metallica (and this album) and I'm glad someone out there likes this new album (me). If Joe hadn't supported them it would have been someone else and I'm glad it was Joe because now I can murder him and call it a mercy killing. His ears had betrayed him and his taste has shrivled smaller than Metallica's balls. I suggest abandoning all hope for future generations, have no more children. Let metal die with us. Our future is trance.

<3

- A