Type: Movie
Title: The Notebook
Starring: Ryan Gosling, Rachel McAdams, James Garner

I've just watched the greatest love story ever told. Seriously, this is the most perfect love story there ever was. Nothing in history has ever been as romantic or as well executed as this movie. Let me explain myself. The Notebook is the ORGASM in which a poor handsome young man courts a rich beautiful young woman. I know you must be thinking "Great! I'm happy it works out for them!" Well you'd be WRONGYOUIDIOT! Her parents don't want her to date an icky poor person! They court anyway, and she falls more in love than she ever thought she could ever be in love because she's so in love it hurts to be in love so much with him. Then she leaves and immediately gets engaged to Cyclops from the X-men. Poor Ryan Gosling is so upset he builds a house. As the young Rachel McAdams is having champagne millionaire parties with Cyclops and surfing on a solid gold Rolls Royce she thinks maybe she still loves that guy who she used to know. Her mom shows her some old construction worker, and she's convinced. She reunites with Ryan Gosling and I think something happens I'm not sure because I passed out from the passion, but then they become old and she has Alzheimer's and she doesn't remember him. It's sad but it's magical too because sometimes she does remember him. It's sooooooo romantic! It's SO much better than Batman Begins.

- J

While Joe is frothing estrogen at the mouth thinking about The Notebook, I’ll give you a much more accurate portrayal of the film. Girl meets guy, girl fucks with guys head, girl meets other guy, girl cheats on that guy with the first guy, girl fucks with both of their heads, girl goes back to first guy because he built her a house to prove how much of a tool he is, birds fly off into the distance and The End. Seriously, this movie does nothing but teach an entire generation of girls that it’s ok to expect a summer love from 16 years ago to keep his promise to build you a house and that you better not put out until he does. This is already having devastating effects on our population. Birth rates have plummeted, Australia was swallowed whole by the pacific, and Ryan Gosling can’t get no satisfaction. Why you ask? Because. Seriously. Like right after the chick decided to go back to him she also decides to get old people dementia and totally forgets everything about him and their past. Poor Ryan is forced to read her the same lame story of their lives every day in hope that she’ll remember for like five minutes before going crazy and thinking she’s Al Roker again. As if that weren’t bad enough, I had exclusive access to a deleted scene in the forthcoming spwecial edwition DVD.


Scene: Reading from Notebook, Ryan Gosling fights back tears as he read the final passages.
“Friday, October 18, 2007,
Me and that creepy guy who’s always by my bed went to IHOP really, really early today. I ordered their Grandslam with a double side order of sausage links. I don’t really know why I love sausage so much, the notebook says I was vegetarian but still. There’s just something familiar about having a very tiny, shaft like, object in my mouth. The smoky taste brings back some feeling of recognition too but I can’t quite wrap my hand around it. Jogging my memory would help but I seem to have a talent for stroking.”


If after reading my review you still want to watch The Notebook, I suggest you seek immediate medical attention. Your brain might have melted inside your skull. That’s what happened to the chick in The Notebook, and it’s contagious.

- A